Under cool links I have listed a couple of websites for you to check out. Two women I've had the pleasure to get to know through another blog (um, that would be Haven's again.) I've added a link for art by Cathy DeLeRee and updated Sher Fick's link for her new site. Both women do outstanding - and affordable - work with found objects in completely different ways.
Kate McKinney (or Miss Kate Cake for me) is the next link down that you will find. She's a mother/writer/wife who has a way with words that is sorely under appreciated. She can make you laugh in one moment and make your heart and soul sing in the next one. I had the pleasure of briefly meeting her last year at one of Haven's (there she is again) book signings here in Indianapolis.
The next one is John Svara, potter extraordinaire. I've not had the pleasure of seeing his work in person, but just the photos alone make me catch my breath. I know of John indirectly and can tell you with complete lack of hyperbole that he is quite the renaisance man. Not only does he craft wonderful pieces out of clay, he also is a gifted singer/songwriter. He's also a woodcrafter and home remodeler. Oh, he's also a wonderful husband to a dear friend of mine (um, Haven) and father to their children.
The next "Cool Link" is for a slightly known author by the name of Augusten Burroughs. Some of you may have heard of him. If not, shame on you. His best known book is probably "Running with Scissors" which takes a look at a highly dysfunctional period in a teen boy's life and makes it both amusing and heartbreaking all at once. Unfortunately, I don't know him personally, but I am a huge admirer of both his body of work and his ability to have lived through some horrific times in his life and come out of it a stronger and more beautiful human being. Oh, he is also great friends with another writer I've talked about - Haven Kimmel. (Anyone else seeing a pattern here?)
The last two are more for fun than anything. Well, the last one is anyway. The Belief-O-Matic site is more of a tool for helping you in your spiritual journey. Have fun checking out those links. They've given me many hours of joy.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Yeesh! What a downer! How I try to look at things differently.
I've been looking over drafts of posts that have been sitting out there for a while. Seven total. Six of them downers. Blech. They all seemed to have followed a theme... which I think I covered fairly well in the last two posts. I'm just as tired of talking about the crap as you probably are of reading them.
There seems to be a preponderance of memoirs, blogs, and other stuff out there that take parent bashing to a whole other level. That was never my intent. Things are the way they are. What we do afterward is more important that what is in the past. We can wallow in our misery or get over ourselves and realize that we survived and can become different from what our history would have dictated us to be.
This very fact was driven home to me several weeks ago when I was talking to Kim, a friend of mine, about having to get tough with my daughter about - well, I don't remember what now - but she ended up in tears. I think part of the problem was that she had very little sleep the night before and I had just worked six days straight and was exhausted. And I felt completely awful that I made my two year old daughter cry. Yes, she can be emotional, but she's also a very sweet and loving child. I think she was more upset that I was angry with her than anything.
But my point is that Kim told me that I was not my mother or father, that I'm a great dad, and that parents aren't supposed to be their child's best friend. If I feel like a mean guy sometimes, then I must be doing my job as a parent. It's when a parent keeps their child in tears most of the time that there is a problem. And we all have way too much fun most of the time for that to be a problem.
Riley has developed quite the sense of humor over the past several months. One of her favorite games is for me to pretend that I'm asleep and then she'll kiss me on the nose to awaken me. She thinks it's quite funny to startle me, so I play along. And, I hesitate to share this, but she thinks its hilarious to call me momma. We're pretty sure that she's picked up in daycare that some parents are momma's, and somehow I most closely fit the bill for her. Or she's just being a stinker because she sometimes giggles when I tell her I'm not momma, but daddy.
We have options on how to look at things. We could dwell on the past and be miserable about it. Or we can look at the wonderful things in our lives that we're blessed to have. Personally I'd rather look at the flowers and not dwell on the manure that helps them grow.
There seems to be a preponderance of memoirs, blogs, and other stuff out there that take parent bashing to a whole other level. That was never my intent. Things are the way they are. What we do afterward is more important that what is in the past. We can wallow in our misery or get over ourselves and realize that we survived and can become different from what our history would have dictated us to be.
This very fact was driven home to me several weeks ago when I was talking to Kim, a friend of mine, about having to get tough with my daughter about - well, I don't remember what now - but she ended up in tears. I think part of the problem was that she had very little sleep the night before and I had just worked six days straight and was exhausted. And I felt completely awful that I made my two year old daughter cry. Yes, she can be emotional, but she's also a very sweet and loving child. I think she was more upset that I was angry with her than anything.
But my point is that Kim told me that I was not my mother or father, that I'm a great dad, and that parents aren't supposed to be their child's best friend. If I feel like a mean guy sometimes, then I must be doing my job as a parent. It's when a parent keeps their child in tears most of the time that there is a problem. And we all have way too much fun most of the time for that to be a problem.
Riley has developed quite the sense of humor over the past several months. One of her favorite games is for me to pretend that I'm asleep and then she'll kiss me on the nose to awaken me. She thinks it's quite funny to startle me, so I play along. And, I hesitate to share this, but she thinks its hilarious to call me momma. We're pretty sure that she's picked up in daycare that some parents are momma's, and somehow I most closely fit the bill for her. Or she's just being a stinker because she sometimes giggles when I tell her I'm not momma, but daddy.
We have options on how to look at things. We could dwell on the past and be miserable about it. Or we can look at the wonderful things in our lives that we're blessed to have. Personally I'd rather look at the flowers and not dwell on the manure that helps them grow.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A Change in Perspective
Note: This post was started w-a-y back seven months ago. I never posted it (as some of you well know) because... well, because I was scared of repercussions. Fear is a good thing to have in certain circumstances. For instance when being confronted by a bear, fear is a very good thing. Sometimes though, fear is just a useless emotion. In this instance, especially so. But after my last post, I felt it was time to put it out there.
January 16, 2009 - There's a few reasons why I'm writing this post. First is about my relationship with my mother. Or lack there of more precisely. And before you start writing to me about what a terrible son I am, there are things you need to know.
First, I've tried for years to have some sort of normal relationship with my mother. Nothing would make me happier. I'm not sure what though, if anything could make her happy. I've not seen or talked to her since Riley's first birthday party the first weekend in May. I tried to get a hold of her several times over the next month after that without success. Every time I called, I received a prerecorded message that said that the wireless customer I was trying to contact was unavailable. (update: she called once in February after she was released from a hospital stay.)
Even when I was in the hospital in mid June (2008), I tried several times to call and let her know where I was. Oh, nothing really major. Just kidney stones again. I was admitted because they couldn't manage my pain with prescription medication and they had to break out the heavy artillery, mainly morphine. Pure bliss when it hits and the pain is completely gone. If I didn't like being lucid so much, I could understand why people get hooked on it.
Second, I've been blessed to have had some mighty fine substitute mothers in my adult years. One of them is the mother of Haven Kimmel who happens to be a good friend of mine. Some of you might have heard of her. Those of you who haven't, run right over to her website and blog right now. Especially this particular post of hers. http://havenkimmel.wordpress.com/2009/01/26/surely-goodness-and-mercy/ I'll give you some time to check it out. (Her blog is still there, but is inactive at this time... her last few posts will tell you why.)
Are you back already?
I have to tell you that reading that particular post makes my heart ache. It aches for the love of a mother that doesn't exist for me or my brothers. And if Haven reads this she will find some way of trying to ease the ache within me with an emotional balm made from her own soothing words mixed with a good quote or two from someone far wiser than I could ever hope to be. But the point I hope to make is that my mother, while she isn't the most attentive or compassionate mother out there, she could have done a lot worse by us. Susan Smith comes to mind. Mother gets it honestly as her mother could be the coldest woman on the planet and say the most hurtful destructive things to her own children and grandchildren. And while this may explain mother's behaviour, it doesn't excuse her from not making the effort to recognize the same patterns and trying to change. And that is what the true tragedy of her life is.
January 16, 2009 - There's a few reasons why I'm writing this post. First is about my relationship with my mother. Or lack there of more precisely. And before you start writing to me about what a terrible son I am, there are things you need to know.
First, I've tried for years to have some sort of normal relationship with my mother. Nothing would make me happier. I'm not sure what though, if anything could make her happy. I've not seen or talked to her since Riley's first birthday party the first weekend in May. I tried to get a hold of her several times over the next month after that without success. Every time I called, I received a prerecorded message that said that the wireless customer I was trying to contact was unavailable. (update: she called once in February after she was released from a hospital stay.)
Even when I was in the hospital in mid June (2008), I tried several times to call and let her know where I was. Oh, nothing really major. Just kidney stones again. I was admitted because they couldn't manage my pain with prescription medication and they had to break out the heavy artillery, mainly morphine. Pure bliss when it hits and the pain is completely gone. If I didn't like being lucid so much, I could understand why people get hooked on it.
Second, I've been blessed to have had some mighty fine substitute mothers in my adult years. One of them is the mother of Haven Kimmel who happens to be a good friend of mine. Some of you might have heard of her. Those of you who haven't, run right over to her website and blog right now. Especially this particular post of hers. http://havenkimmel.wordpress.com/2009/01/26/surely-goodness-and-mercy/ I'll give you some time to check it out. (Her blog is still there, but is inactive at this time... her last few posts will tell you why.)
Are you back already?
I have to tell you that reading that particular post makes my heart ache. It aches for the love of a mother that doesn't exist for me or my brothers. And if Haven reads this she will find some way of trying to ease the ache within me with an emotional balm made from her own soothing words mixed with a good quote or two from someone far wiser than I could ever hope to be. But the point I hope to make is that my mother, while she isn't the most attentive or compassionate mother out there, she could have done a lot worse by us. Susan Smith comes to mind. Mother gets it honestly as her mother could be the coldest woman on the planet and say the most hurtful destructive things to her own children and grandchildren. And while this may explain mother's behaviour, it doesn't excuse her from not making the effort to recognize the same patterns and trying to change. And that is what the true tragedy of her life is.
Friday, August 14, 2009
What can I say?
I haven't been very vigilante in tending to this blog in quite a while. Several reasons for that. And I've debated many a night over whether or not to share what some of the problems have been. But, I think if I don't share, then I won't be able to make any movement forward. This is important because so much has happened to us as a family recently that hopefully will be positive changes.
Two weeks ago, Robbie received an offer from a local college that is expanding rapidly and so he will consequently be leaving retail. Today in fact was his last day. It's been a good job. He's learned a lot from it. But it's not what he's passionate about. College students. Guiding them in their academic lives is what is important. Helping them succeed in their student careers and to reach their full potential .
At the same time he was receiving the phone offer, I received a Facebook message from a woman I had known years ago from the bank I used to work for. My old supervisor was trying to track me down about a possible job for me. So over that weekend I went online and looked at the available job postings, found one that was similar to what I did before we left for Chicago and posted my application for it. On Monday I received an email confirming receipt of my application. On Tuesday I received a phone call for an interview the next day - which is my regular Wednesday day off. That same evening I received a phone call offering me the position. Just this past Monday I received an email confirming the offer and my start day of two weeks from then. It wasn't an easy thing to give notice at a job that I like (for the most part), but the opportunity to have our evenings and weekends back together as a whole family was the deciding factor.
Here's the kicker to all this. My last student loan payment was last month. We just traded in the Trailblazer for a newer Impala with a lot fewer miles and a significantly lower payment. And it gets about 50% better gas mileage. It's been a struggle sometimes financial this past year with both of us in commission retail jobs, but we knew - or at least I did - that we would make it through somehow.
But back to the reasons for the absence from the blog. First was the fact that I hit a depression back in February that I couldn't shake. I ended up on drug therapy to help get me through it. It helped immensely. I was very groggy in the evenings and couldn't keep a thought for more than 5 seconds at a time, but it was worth it if it meant not dragging my family through the hell I went through as a teenager. But the blog suffered as the side effects kicked in.
And that brings me to this: the depression isn't what I've hesitated to talk about, but rather the cause of it. It sounds like a cliche' to blame my mother for it, but in essence she was the cause. Or rather my expectations of what a mother should be versus the reality of who she actually is. February was the first time since last May at Riley's first birthday party that I had heard from her. Not for lack of trying on my part. We sent picture books, birthday cards and other things to her to let her know what was going on in our lives and to see how much Riley was growing. Many phone calls that went unanswered only to find out that she had moved at some point but didn't let anyone know. After six months of not receiving any acknowledgments from her, we gave up.
In February, I finally received a phone call from her. She had just been released from the hospital that morning. I won't go into the details of what she was there for, they aren't important, here's what is. During the conversation I counted at least three to four lies. And no acknowledgment that I hadn't heard from her in over ten months. With every passing second I felt myself getting more and more angry. I finally ended the phone call by letting her know that she was interrupting our dinner. (Sidebar: we eat as a family at the table almost every night that we're home together. That's how important the new jobs are to us.)
Since then I've learned from my aunt that mother has been back in the hospital twice. And the hospital she's been at is only about five minutes from where we live. The first time, in April, my aunt called me while I was at lunch to ask how mother was doing. When I told her I didn't know, she told me what was going on. Back at work, I was debating if I should go see her or not when a woman I work with looked at me and said "Jim, I've never met your mother and I don't like her. If she wanted you there, she would have let you known that she was there. You deserve better than that." And just like that, my guilt was gone. She was absolutely right. If mother wanted me to be there in her life, then she would have included me in things. I know money is tight with her, but a postage stamp doesn't cost much.
The second reason for my absence was the demise of a friend of mine's blog. Haven Kimmel had created an online community purely by chance that was unlike anything else I had ever experienced. It started out as a small little thing where she could break away from time to time as a serious writer and be a little less so. It evolved into an online discussion of favorite books, authors, musicians and artists. And from there it became an inspiration for not just a few of us participants. If it weren't for that spark I caught from her site, this blog wouldn't exist - for better or worse. And I most certainly wouldn't have the small group of people that I've met through there that I consider friends.
But from there it started becoming something else entirely. Some people came into the community with agendas of their own. Some to grab as much attention to themselves as possible by using a popular writers forum as a captive audience. Others to criticize the people who had been longtime participants as not being inclusive to new people. And as one private commenter to Haven said, it was becoming very gynocentric with the constant barrage from some women about their medical woes. It finally got to the point that Haven couldn't control the content any longer even with the help of spam filters and filters to catch outright pornographic postings by some people. So on May 24, 2009 at 5:07 pm, Haven pulled the plug. I hated to see it go, but she really didn't need the aggravation.
Just yesterday I saw a comic strip on line that summed up the whole experience in a four panel joke that I fear is much closer to the truth than actually being funny. In the strip the artist is speaking with one of his characters. The strip is "Pearls before Swine" and here is the link for that particular strip. http://news.yahoo.com/comics/090812/cx_pearls_umedia/20091208;_ylt=AkA8h5R2NQQwFEMclI4rApsD_b4F
If that didn't work, here is what the strip said:
Writer: "What are you doing, Rat?"
Rat: "I am ripping you on your 'Stephen Pastis' Facebook page. Then I am ripping you on your blog. Then I am ripping you on my favoritist Web Site ever, The Comics Curmudgeon."
Writer: "WHY!
Rat: "Because it is fun. And because the Internet was specifically invented so that living beings everywhere could be anonymously rude to one another."
Writer: silent in the next panel
Last panel is of the writer sitting in a box with another character Pig. Pig created the box labeled "Internet Happy Box," a place where Pig can go to escape the negativity of the web.
So the last few months have been me in my own Internet Happy Box. I guess the thing to remember is that the Internet does create a safe, anonymous place for people to trash others, for whatever reason. And really, do I need to care what those people think?
I've missed my online community. I hope you're all doing well. Just remember that while I do read all comments posted to this blog, I don't have to post them. If you feel like you need to criticize, do so in a constructive manner please.
Two weeks ago, Robbie received an offer from a local college that is expanding rapidly and so he will consequently be leaving retail. Today in fact was his last day. It's been a good job. He's learned a lot from it. But it's not what he's passionate about. College students. Guiding them in their academic lives is what is important. Helping them succeed in their student careers and to reach their full potential .
At the same time he was receiving the phone offer, I received a Facebook message from a woman I had known years ago from the bank I used to work for. My old supervisor was trying to track me down about a possible job for me. So over that weekend I went online and looked at the available job postings, found one that was similar to what I did before we left for Chicago and posted my application for it. On Monday I received an email confirming receipt of my application. On Tuesday I received a phone call for an interview the next day - which is my regular Wednesday day off. That same evening I received a phone call offering me the position. Just this past Monday I received an email confirming the offer and my start day of two weeks from then. It wasn't an easy thing to give notice at a job that I like (for the most part), but the opportunity to have our evenings and weekends back together as a whole family was the deciding factor.
Here's the kicker to all this. My last student loan payment was last month. We just traded in the Trailblazer for a newer Impala with a lot fewer miles and a significantly lower payment. And it gets about 50% better gas mileage. It's been a struggle sometimes financial this past year with both of us in commission retail jobs, but we knew - or at least I did - that we would make it through somehow.
But back to the reasons for the absence from the blog. First was the fact that I hit a depression back in February that I couldn't shake. I ended up on drug therapy to help get me through it. It helped immensely. I was very groggy in the evenings and couldn't keep a thought for more than 5 seconds at a time, but it was worth it if it meant not dragging my family through the hell I went through as a teenager. But the blog suffered as the side effects kicked in.
And that brings me to this: the depression isn't what I've hesitated to talk about, but rather the cause of it. It sounds like a cliche' to blame my mother for it, but in essence she was the cause. Or rather my expectations of what a mother should be versus the reality of who she actually is. February was the first time since last May at Riley's first birthday party that I had heard from her. Not for lack of trying on my part. We sent picture books, birthday cards and other things to her to let her know what was going on in our lives and to see how much Riley was growing. Many phone calls that went unanswered only to find out that she had moved at some point but didn't let anyone know. After six months of not receiving any acknowledgments from her, we gave up.
In February, I finally received a phone call from her. She had just been released from the hospital that morning. I won't go into the details of what she was there for, they aren't important, here's what is. During the conversation I counted at least three to four lies. And no acknowledgment that I hadn't heard from her in over ten months. With every passing second I felt myself getting more and more angry. I finally ended the phone call by letting her know that she was interrupting our dinner. (Sidebar: we eat as a family at the table almost every night that we're home together. That's how important the new jobs are to us.)
Since then I've learned from my aunt that mother has been back in the hospital twice. And the hospital she's been at is only about five minutes from where we live. The first time, in April, my aunt called me while I was at lunch to ask how mother was doing. When I told her I didn't know, she told me what was going on. Back at work, I was debating if I should go see her or not when a woman I work with looked at me and said "Jim, I've never met your mother and I don't like her. If she wanted you there, she would have let you known that she was there. You deserve better than that." And just like that, my guilt was gone. She was absolutely right. If mother wanted me to be there in her life, then she would have included me in things. I know money is tight with her, but a postage stamp doesn't cost much.
The second reason for my absence was the demise of a friend of mine's blog. Haven Kimmel had created an online community purely by chance that was unlike anything else I had ever experienced. It started out as a small little thing where she could break away from time to time as a serious writer and be a little less so. It evolved into an online discussion of favorite books, authors, musicians and artists. And from there it became an inspiration for not just a few of us participants. If it weren't for that spark I caught from her site, this blog wouldn't exist - for better or worse. And I most certainly wouldn't have the small group of people that I've met through there that I consider friends.
But from there it started becoming something else entirely. Some people came into the community with agendas of their own. Some to grab as much attention to themselves as possible by using a popular writers forum as a captive audience. Others to criticize the people who had been longtime participants as not being inclusive to new people. And as one private commenter to Haven said, it was becoming very gynocentric with the constant barrage from some women about their medical woes. It finally got to the point that Haven couldn't control the content any longer even with the help of spam filters and filters to catch outright pornographic postings by some people. So on May 24, 2009 at 5:07 pm, Haven pulled the plug. I hated to see it go, but she really didn't need the aggravation.
Just yesterday I saw a comic strip on line that summed up the whole experience in a four panel joke that I fear is much closer to the truth than actually being funny. In the strip the artist is speaking with one of his characters. The strip is "Pearls before Swine" and here is the link for that particular strip. http://news.yahoo.com/comics/090812/cx_pearls_umedia/20091208;_ylt=AkA8h5R2NQQwFEMclI4rApsD_b4F
If that didn't work, here is what the strip said:
Writer: "What are you doing, Rat?"
Rat: "I am ripping you on your 'Stephen Pastis' Facebook page. Then I am ripping you on your blog. Then I am ripping you on my favoritist Web Site ever, The Comics Curmudgeon."
Writer: "WHY!
Rat: "Because it is fun. And because the Internet was specifically invented so that living beings everywhere could be anonymously rude to one another."
Writer: silent in the next panel
Last panel is of the writer sitting in a box with another character Pig. Pig created the box labeled "Internet Happy Box," a place where Pig can go to escape the negativity of the web.
So the last few months have been me in my own Internet Happy Box. I guess the thing to remember is that the Internet does create a safe, anonymous place for people to trash others, for whatever reason. And really, do I need to care what those people think?
I've missed my online community. I hope you're all doing well. Just remember that while I do read all comments posted to this blog, I don't have to post them. If you feel like you need to criticize, do so in a constructive manner please.
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